12 Rituals of Christmas

During the build-up to Christmas, I created a daily illustrated journey through the darker side of the festive season! This digital advent calendar explores 12 of the rituals and traditions surrounding Christmas celebrations with a macabre twist.

The Sweater

This ritual sees locals keeping warm with ease during the Christmas period. Nothing quite screams festive like a human on fire yelling “Hot hot hot”!

Secret Santa

This bizarre ritual sees enforced gift giving to people you work with…and might not even like. Usually there’s a spend limit but handmade gifts are always the best! Who would you send this to?

Sacrifice

Since human sacrifices became frowned upon, gingerbread people were the obvious choice. It is now required that one gingerbread person per household must be sacrificed in the name of Santa.

Bondage

In 1947 it was discovered that gift boxes are pretty damn kinky inter-dimensional beings. Since then, the ritual of tying them up with silky ribbons has become customary before they are groped and stripped by the gift recipient.

The List

This ritual is one of the oldest known to humans everywhere. A list made by the gift giving wizard himself. The science behind the list is quite simple…don’t be a terrible person and you’ll be on the nice side.

Voodoo

Snow globes have been mistaken for fun decorative items for centuries. Witch doctors use them in voodoo rituals throughout the festive season instead of dolls to perform magic. In most recent years, they provide services from which you can request certain people to be targeted for vengeful purposes. This example shows Dave from accounts trapped in an avalanche during a snowboarding trip he bragged about to Brenda in HR. Brenda doesn’t like Dave very much.

Voodoo

During Christmas preparations, the number of murders increase dramatically! These ritual killings all share the same horrific M.O…de-tree-ification by axe. At every crime scene the weapon is left to taunt authorities with the lack of forensic evidence. It is suspected that whoever carries out these brutal murders wears gloves or perhaps has no hands at all!

Sex Pesting

Mistletoe…a sex pest’s express ticket to inappropriate town. Small groups of males and females have used this foliage for incredibly one-sided attempts at mating rituals for many years. Scientists are yet to understand why these select groups think that hanging part of a bush over someone’s head entitles them to erotic encounters with their chosen target.

Playing God

Everyone dreams of a white Christmas. Some people dream of using snow to make marvellous sculptures. Then there are those weirdos that dream of bringing their monstrous creations to life to destroy cities and devour their neighbour Karen for being such a bitch.

The Winter Purge

Mrs Claus gets bored while Santa prepares for Christmas so she created the winter purge. Each year people eradicate one another with winter weaponry in feat of survival. Which would you choose to ensure you make it to Christmas day?

Home Security Upgrades

It’s almost that time of year when a drunk, overweight, creepy old dude with a beard breaks into your house while you’re sleeping. So stay safe and upgrade your home security with the Santa Snapper™️. These bad boys (see what I did there) guarantee a red Christmas for just £19.95.

The Summoning

On the eve of Christmas, Santanic rituals are performed around the world. To conduct your own summoning, draw a pentagram as shown with the blood of a gingerbread person. Place five candles near each letter, then place some cookies and a glass of milk in the centre. Once the candles are lit, the door between the human and Christmas realm will be open. Just hope a Krampus doesn’t visit!